This just in. “It’s not about you!” What? I know! It sounds crazy, but God let me in on this secret this week. He continued, "Stop being self-centered and start being Christ-centered."
At first, I just kept thinking, “I’m definitely not self-centered. I’m so hard and down on myself it’s ridiculous.” Then it hit me that in being self-disparaging, I’m still being self-centered. I’m putting too much thought and worry into myself, my place, my people, my appearance, my work... my, my, my.
My children aren’t about me. Whether they are like Mary Poppins and practically perfect in every way or complete heathens, it’s not about me. Yes, I’m their mother. Yes, it’s my place to instruct them in right from wrong, to teach them about Jesus, and to guide them with wisdom but ultimately, their decisions aren’t about me. They can’t and don’t define me, though this is very hard for me to grasp. My constant worry about them, their grades, their choices, their friends, their futures...it’s not mine to worry about. It’s definitely mine to pray about. It’s my job to counsel and advise them but God is in control, not me. At first that seems scary because I like to have control, or at least I think I do. When I think more about it however, it actually feels pretty freeing to know that I don’t determine their path or their choices. That’s between them and God. What they end up doing with that isn’t up to me. I can’t force them to choose my way. Sure, I can punish them, remove privileges, threaten and scold them but I can’t make their decisions for them. I have to trust that I’m sufficiently equipping them with what they need to know and to believe that He’s got a big part in their lives, too. It gets harder as they get older and the consequences for their actions are more serious than the days when they didn’t want to brush their hair. I want to put them under my thumb and watch their every move to make sure they don’t take a wrong turn, but how will they ever learn for themselves if I do that?
In my work, the task before us seems insurmountable. How can we do such important work? What are we getting ourselves into? Truth of the matter is that, yes, it is too hard for us. We aren’t cut out for such big work, but once again, God takes that burden off our shoulders. We don’t have to do it; He will and He is. What He wants to happen will happen, and we are fortunate enough to be a part in His plan for ministering to families who have lost children during pregnancy or infant loss. We can’t take credit for any of the amazing things happening, though. It’s definitely not our doing and we can’t forget that. He’s opening doors to amazing people and circumstances that we couldn’t orchestrate ourselves. When people pat us on the back, we have to remember who is really doing the work and give Him all the credit.
I’ve been stuck with writer’s block for the past month or more. I just don’t feel like I have anything to say. When I write anything worthwhile, it’s because I’ve been inspired to. It’s not because I’m just full of ideas and words to spew. Unless He’s given me something to say, my pages are blank. I literally can’t do it on my own. I realized that I’ve been trying on my own to write. I’ve been wanting to write something prolific that would touch people and make everyone think I’m really a writer, because I just can’t seem to call myself that. Maybe if others believe it, I will too. He let me know this week, that once again, it’s not about me. It’s not about shares or likes. It’s about Him. If nobody reads what I write but I learn something from it, He’s pleased. He doesn’t care about how the world responds (or doesn't respond) to my writing. He cares that I’m obedient and that I do what He asks. I’m not responsible for what happens after that. I just have to follow Him, one step at a time.
This doesn’t mean that I can throw my hands up in the air and say, “Que sera sera!” I have a great responsibility to my kids, my work, and my writing. I can’t just sit idle and expect everything to fall into place. I have to listen and be obedient. I have to show up and be present, ready to work. An employee can’t just sit all day and say they don’t have to do anything because they aren’t the boss because they’re still very much needed and expected to work. They also don’t have to try to do the work of their boss, because it would be pointless. As much work as they did, it wouldn’t matter because they aren’t needed in that position. It's already covered. Their work still matters, though.
He’s definitely shown me this week that I place way too much importance on myself and my abilities. My kids aren’t about me. My work isn’t about me. My writing isn’t about me. It’s about Him. I’m just here to reflect Him and send the praises and the worries to Him. Then I’ll find rest and peace. I don’t have to carry this heavy load. In reality, I never was carrying this load to begin with. I was just picking up random weights and thinking that I had something important on my shoulders. It’s totally unnecessary. He never expected me to carry these burdens. After all, it’s not about me.