I'm a girl who likes to know where she's going. I'm a planner, a checklist making pro...some may say a smidge controlling. Spontaneous, bold and brave are not words that are synonymous with my character. Lately, though, God has been working on some of this and I know it's God's doing because it is so unlike me in my natural state. I love my comfort zone. It's my happy place, but lately I'm finding myself seeking locations beyond this 10 mile radius of my safety net.
In walking with a friend through an excruciating miscarriage, I found my desire to share my own story of loss with women beyond my immediate circle. In order to do so, I have had some work to do on myself. The word vulnerable would become a life changer for me. Without even knowing all the research that backed it up, I knew that vulnerability was where I needed to rest. I had to be willing to expose my heart, even the weakest, most tender places, if I was going to meet these women where they were. I'd have to relive the pain, and sometimes deal with it for the first time.
I decided to start blogging and journaling, but what I didn't expect was how much I would love the writing. I would lose track of all time when I sat down to write. God really took a hold of my soul and turned my universe in a whole different direction. I was no longer content to sit quietly and observe. I needed to be a part of life again. I had a new boldness, something that I'd never had before. For the first time since Matthew died I was finding my joy again. Removing the mask when I was in front of others and in front of God was so incredibly freeing.
The more I wrote, however, the more I wanted to write. I didn't have enough time in my day. I couldn't write, parent, teach, be a wife and friend to the extent I wanted to be. I felt very called to do all of these things, however, except one. That one thing took up over 40 hours of my week. I knew I needed to step away from teaching. I had no other plan, no backup income...I just knew my heart was with helping women find healing, with writing, with family and friends, and something had to give. I wasn't sleeping. I had constant words in my head that needed to be penned. Sleeping and working seemed to be the two places I could find time, and losing sleep wasn't sustainable, so in mid January, only a couple weeks after He laid it upon my heart, I turned in my notice, effective the next school year.
I felt like God wanted me to follow Him, step by step, and stop trying to run ahead. It's like when Brad and I take two cars to the same location and we end up racing home. We will take different routes, we speed, we might be a tad bit reckless just to be the first ones home. God knows me well enough to know that is what I'll do if He gives me the big picture. I will try to take it and run ahead with it. I'm not even supposed to be in my own car, much less driving on this path. I'm supposed to be in the passenger seat, letting Him drive. I just need to enjoy the journey, talking to Him on this road trip. I need to stop being a distracted passenger, too. Get off my phone, or out of my books, and quit talking to everyone but my driver. I get so focused on everything and everyone else that I forget to stay in contact with the one driving me.
I remember going with my dad on a quick trip to Austin when I was in middle school. It is one of my favorite memories with him. We drove and talked. We laughed and sang. I knew we were going to Austin, but I wasn't worried about how to get there because I knew my dad did and I trusted him completely. I felt safe in his capable hands. I didn't really know the plans, didn't really know where I was going, but just went because my daddy invited me to and I wanted to spend time with him.
That is what God wants me to do now, so I'm pulling my car over. I'm throwing out the keys. I'm going to step into the passenger seat with my Heavenly Father. I'm going to talk to Him, learn from Him, hear His stories and be ready for the adventure of a lifetime because I know and love my Daddy and know He only wants the best for me. I'm not sure where we are going, but I trust my driver to be with me every step of the journey.