Cruel Sadness

I've found myself lately trying to fill every single minute of my day with the company of another human being. I'm afraid to be alone. I'm afraid of my own thoughts. I'm afraid of the stillness, of who is lingering in the silence. 

Please don't leave me alone. Please entertain me. Please just talk. I don't care what we talk about or where we go, just distract me. Keep talking and I will be able to avoid the great big scary giant in the room, slowly following me. He seems to leave me alone as long as I'm with others, as long as I'm busy. As soon as I am alone, I feel him inch in closer and closer to me.  

Today, I can't escape. Today, I let him come over to talk, with no one here to distract me.  Today, I sit and invited the Sadness over. 

"You've been following me for weeks," I say. "I've been trying to avoid you but you won't go. I ignore you. I stay busy with any and everything, but I can always feel you near. As long as I'm moving, you can't catch me."

Today I stopped moving. Today, I had nowhere to run. Maybe I was tired of running. Maybe I missed my old friend, Sadness. 

On days like this, I remember the times Sadness was there for me. These days, I could depend on him to catch me when no one else was there. On days like this, I'm angry at the rest of the world for speaking against him. They medicate me to keep him away, but he never leaves. He's patient. 

They don't like me when I'm friends with Sadness. They don't understand me. When we are friends, I want to crawl in bed and stay there. He doesn't mind. He tells me I deserve it. 

"Stay there as long as you need," he says.  "They can't, won't and don't want to understand." 

"Don't bog them down with your problems.  Tell them to me," you tell me.  "I'm the only one who cares."

"I'm the only one who has been there through it all, even when you turned your back on me," you remind me.

"The people who 'love' you? Where are they? They have lives of their own. They have troubles of their own. Don't bother trying to get them to understand. You don't want them to know the real you anyway. They would hate you." 

"I've got you now, haven't I? Falling deeper. Deeper. Deeper. How easily you fall when you're alone."