Fear of Falling

I'm not a fan of skating.  Even when I was a kid I'd hold on for dear life to that rail on the side of the rink. I'd grasp it like my life depended on it.  I'd watch with envy as those other kids would skate effortlessly by me with no need of a railing for stability.  They looked so free and happy.  Then there was forlorn Carol clumsily traipsing along the safety rail, miserably waiting for everyone in my party to say they were ready to go home.  

Every once in awhile, I'd get bold and let go of the rail (though I'd skate close by...just in case).  I'd feel like all was well when insecurity would overtake me and I'd be back to square one, back on the bar, wishing time away. Rarely did I fall because rarely did I let go of the sides, but rarely did I have any fun either.  

Moses has been on my mind a lot lately.  I've been thinking about when God called Moses to talk to Pharaoh.  Was he afraid?  Absolutely.  He told God in the beginning he had the wrong guy. He told Him to send someone else.  He told Him that he wasn't up to the task. Yeah, he was afraid.  When we are walking into something new, we will be afraid.  When we are walking into the unknown, we aren't going to like it. Turning around and running to the sidelines of safety would be much easier, but it's not really a life I want to live.  Yes, we may fall, but it's better than holding on to the railing all of our life and never trying to skate.  

I just finished reading the book The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson and in it he says we will be afraid, but we have to take courage with us.  Courage isn't the absence of fear, he says, it's choosing to act in spite of fear.  When we are afraid, we have to confront what's frightening us or it will control us.  We can't just shut the fear off, but we can stand up to the one who makes us afraid because God is on our side and He's much bigger than anything that can scare us.  

I quit my job as a teacher this year.  I felt called to do something with women who have lost children as I have.  I had no idea what that was when I turned in my notice.  I was scared, but I also trusted that God was calling me away and He's never before led me astray. I knew that He would make my path clear.  I wasn't too worried.  Then May rolled around and I still didn't know what I'd be doing for a job in the fall.  It was okay though, God had it under control... right?  I had all summer to figure it out.  We are coming up on August now. I don't have a job prospect and honestly, I'm not feeling a strong urge to go find a job.  I still feel the same call to help women who are suffering from pregnancy loss, but that's not a job!  My brain tells me I need an income, but my heart tells me to be still.  He has me where He wants me. Am I afraid? When I think about it logically, I am.  I feel we need my income, but when I feel it in my heart I'm not afraid.  I know I'm walking with Him...on His path...He's guiding me.  When things don't make sense at all and they feel right, I'm usually headed in the right direction.  

I don't know what He's got planned for me, but I can take courage and face the fears I'm feeling. I have faith that He won't leave me.  Will I fall down?  Maybe.  Will it kill me?  No.  Will it hurt my pride if I fall?  Probably, but that's okay.  It probably needed to be hurt. Will I get back up and learn from my mistakes? Definitely.  Will I get stronger when I let go of the railing?  For sure.  I've never seen an Olympic skater holding on to the railing.  We've all got to let go sometime and trust that we've been taught what we need to know to skate without the bar.  We have people nearby who can help us up when we fall, but most importantly our Father is there and He will never leave us.