I want to smile and be happy
Yet I want to crawl into bed and hide.
I want to be around people
Yet I want to seclude myself from the world.
I want to stay busy so I'm not thinking about him
Yet I don't want to think about anything else.
I want to go visit
Yet it's the last place I want to be.
I want to celebrate his life
Yet I'm so angry he's not here with us.
I want to celebrate his brother
Yet it feels like a betrayal.
I want you to care
Yet I don't want you to pity.
I want to cry
Yet I don't want to live in sadness.
I want to laugh
Yet I don't want him to feel left behind.
I want to rise above this
Yet I find myself sinking deeper.
I want to sink deeper
Yet I find myself casting out hope to others.
I want to help others
Yet I'm not sure I'm strong enough.
I want to offer advice
Yet I don't know that I have any wisdom.
I want to live
Yet I cling to the dead.
The constant back and forth
Is making me dizzy, nauseated and tired
Yet I can't stop the circles.