I want to smile and be happy

Yet I want to crawl into bed and hide.

I want to be around people

Yet I want to seclude myself from the world.

I want to stay busy so I'm not thinking about him

Yet I don't want to think about anything else.

I want to go visit

Yet it's the last place I want to be.  

I want to celebrate his life

Yet I'm so angry he's not here with us. 

I want to celebrate his brother

Yet it feels like a betrayal. 

I want you to care

Yet I don't want you to pity.

I want to cry

Yet I don't want to live in sadness.

I want to laugh

Yet I don't want him to feel left behind.

I want to rise above this

Yet I find myself sinking deeper.

I want to sink deeper

Yet I find myself casting out hope to others.

I want to help others

Yet I'm not sure I'm strong enough.

I want to offer advice

Yet I don't know that I have any wisdom.

I want to live

Yet I cling to the dead.

The constant back and forth

Is making me dizzy, nauseated and tired

Yet I can't stop the circles.